True story

today we salute the women of sovereign grace church; the single ones especially. you may find this hard to believe but some of the single guys made a christmas dinner (notice i said some, others were asked to 'serve' in other stuff). there was sparkling grape juice that looked like red wine, honey smoked ham and stove top stuffing, laughter and mockery, christmas lights and fake mistletoe; a good time was had by all (i hope) and the ladies were looking fine. the following is a skit that chuck yarley the III wrote the funny parts for.

Skit for Christmas party:

Luke
Promise
Matt
Steven
Kenny (played by adam gardner)

Paul: READ: Anything said in this program does not necessarily represent the views or opinions of the participants involved.

Luke: So, guys I been thinking we could reciprocate the way the girls served us by cooking and encouraging us with kind of a formal dinner in place of a Christmas party.

Matt: hey guys what about if we did like a Christmas dinner but cooked for the girls? They would probably get us some points huh? (As if he didn’t hear and it was his idea.)

Everyone: looks at each other and rolls eyes. Steven reaches over and pats matt on the back…

Kenny:
Yeah, some of us need them more than others!

Luke:
Ok, so the first question is what could we make for a nice Christmas-themed dinner?

Steve:
Well, I make a mean macaroni and cheese. Two cheeses! Kraft and Velveta! You can’t even tell which box it came out of cause it came out of two boxes!! Clever huh?

Kenny:
Do you put hot dogs in it? Oh man that’s good!

Promise: (look of disgust) uhhll…

Matt:
I know how to make quesadillas. We could put some Christmas ham and jalapenos inside…..oh man.

Steve: Yeah I am just now getting my nose hair back from the last one I ate… Oh man… and later, after it was digested…

Luke:
(quickly and desperately) woah woah ok…Thanks Steve. So these are some good ideas…Anybody else? Please?

Promise:
maybe we could have a delicious New England clam chowder and some boston baked beans and alfalfa sprouts on the side since the cool fall weather is here.

Matt:
uh, yeah. (heavily sarcastic) Promise, you know the saying about ‘when in rome right?’

Kenny: (Half whisper to Matt) What’s an “alpha sprout”?

Matt: I dunno. Sounds like an important sprout though. You know, like the sprout all other sprouts yield to if they know what’s good for them. (Puts fist in hand…)

Luke: (Waves his hands infront of Kenny and Matt. Mutters to self: It’s like trying to use cats to heard sheep…) food ideas… We are discussing food ideas…

Steven:
Alright, so what if we just put Carl in charge of the food stuff? He seems pretty domesticated. I mean he grew up living with 7 females…..can you even imagine what a trial that would be?

Kenny:
Yeah, no wonder he is so tough. And hey, can play accordion while we he cooks! Like dinner and a show! The ladies will love it! Man I am just full of good ideas today… (While looking pleased with himself)

Luke:
One thing I learned from living with eric is to ask myself ‘what would eric martin do if he were here….. and I feel like we would be eating some thick juicy sirloin steaks and baked potatos done on the grill.

Kenny:
Speaking of eric, did any of you checkout his wedding website? I’m not sure if that was eric or jaime’s idea but talk about cheesy!! Man! We are never going to let eric live that one down.

Promise: (Sarcastically) That’s good. You should tell him that.

Kenny: What. I can take him. I know Kung Fu (Makes a gesture with his hands that’s vaguely kung fuish but is truly just sad…)

Promise: You don’t know Kung Fu…

Kenny: I saw it in a movie once… And Kung Fu could take Eric…

Steven: Corn!

Everyone looks slightly puzzled

Kenny: (after silence for a moment) “Corn” could take Eric?

Steven: No, we can serve corn! It’s a good vegetable and easy to cook.

Promise: Ahh, but corn is not a vegetable my friend. Its actually a grain. Same category as bread and other starches…

Luke: We have enough starches. What we need is more vegetables…

Kenny: But we could use corn. They might not know and think it’s a vegetable.

Luke: Nah, no corn.

Steven: maybe we could ask joy stalker for some good organic soy product vegetarian dishes;

Everyone looks at each other and grimaces as if nauseated

Matt: Hey I know what we could serve…

Luke: (Interrupts) No Corn!

Matt: oh. nevermind…(Looks down).

Luke:
Okay, well that’s probably good enough, I’ll probably just run by food lion on Sunday after church and grab whatever’s on sale;

OK so next topic: how do we grow in chivalry and taking iniative as men and yet encourage the sisters of the singles group?

Matt:
Grow in what?

Luke:
Chivalry.

Matt: (Stares blankly at Luke) why you gotta be throwing out the big words? You wanna feel important?

Luke: No, CHIV-AL-RY. You know, like being a gentleman.

Matt: (Continues to stare at Luke blankly.)

Promise:
You know, like when you open the door for women and walk them to their cars….and even that I forget to do sometimes!….mutters to himself: I really should try to be more conscientious of our sisters

Matt: Oh, like when you see the spider in a ladies plate of food, so you kindly smush it then take the legs out of their food before you bring it out to her, just to be all brotherly like?

Luke: Matt is on entertainment detail…

Steven:

I know! we could have dan morrill be the doorman and he also has the coatroom experience under his belt; Plus he was a bouncer;

Luke:

A bouncer? What would we need a bouncer for?

Kenny:

Yeah, that way if anyone shows up that hasn’t followed the dresscode morril can kick them out on their dairy aires;

Steven:

Good idea, but it’d be better to have two guys that way if big dan gets beat up there is someone else to open the door. So, who could we get to help out morrill out that is pretty big and kind of sketchy looking?

EVERYONE: Dan noel.

Steven:

Hey and if he can’t than I could be the second bouncer.

Luke:

Sorry Steve, but you have to have shoulders to be a bouncer.

Steve:

Hey, I have shoulders!

Luke:

Yeah, somewhere I am sure.

Matt:

Yeah, you should remember to where them the night of the dinner, dude. .

Steve: (Looks out at the audiance kind of shyly and hurt) Directors note: Try to look cute when doing it Steve. There are women in the audience.

Promise:

Speaking of which, I assume dress will be business casual?

Luke:

Yep. Wear what you would for nice business function.

Kenny to Matt: (whispered aloud) :

What if you’ve never been to a business function?)

Matt to Kenny: (whispered)

Um, just nodd and smile; I’ll ask my mom later what that means.

Luke: And we need to do something nice and personal for the girls. Like write them letters to thank them for the way that they serve in the church and how much we appreciate them as sisters in Christ.

Kenny:

Luke, dude are you smoking crack? I know you don’t have a sister but let me share something with you: women are emotional creatures. They might think….you know, that we were soft or something. Real bad idea…..if carl were here he would tell you too.

Promise:

So, what if we could express appreciation anonymously so that they wouldn’t feel as though they were being singled out?

Steven: Anomously? But, can I sign my name to mine?

Kenny: Yeah, can’t I sign Steven’s name to mine?

Luke: Sure, lets all sign Steven’s name to our comments…

Steven: Uh, hey wait a minute…

Matt:

Well, would we give them these letters before we open the door for them or after we walk them to their cars?

Steven:

I got it!! we could just tie the notes to a rock and throw it thru the window of their cars so that way they wouldn’t get the wrong idea.

Matt:

Yeah, anonomously!!

Kenny:

Whoa, whoa, whoa! I wouldn’t mind throwing a rock through Ashley or bethany’s car window, I mean, they’ve seen their better days; but steve I’ll let you throw the rock thru mandolin’s car window; no one buys a sleek 2007’ black accord without it having an ear splitting alarm on it;

Steven:

Or how about this!! We can scribe these notes on their car door while inside! That way it will stay with them for a long time. Think how meaningful. And how permanent.

Luke: I think that’s technically called “keying.” And just once, can we please plan a function led by us guys that doesn’t involve vandalism?

Steven: Hmm. should have mentioned that before just now. By the way, your Toyota Echo is now the one marked “not Steven’s” above the door handle.

Luke: Dude, my car! Not cool!

Steven: Well, I couldn’t put it on mine! I just had it painted!

Luke:

Well the bible talks a lot about the motives of the heart and how man looks at the outside, but God looks at the inside; I think if the goal is to serve the ladies and help them to guard their hearts then in the long run that is going to outweigh a few scratches here and there. We’ll just need something to distract them, while we get the others guys to do their part…..maybe some kind of stupid skit…

Promise:

Sounds good luke.

Matt:
Yeah, luke you sure have a gift of leading you know!?

THE END